Blantant Silliness: The Herbalist Strikes!
Given it is Summer and I’m on vacation – I think it is long past time for an extremely silly vaguely herbal related post. Warning – nothing serious or terrible informative to be found here today – enjoy!
This post was inspired by my new haircut – which I love but I recognize is one bad hair day or hair product misadventure from having me look like a 1960s comic book villain…so in the style of the 1960s TV live action Batman:
We join the Caped Crusader as he arrives at Commissioner Gordon’s office after being summoned by the Bat Signal.
Commissioner Gordon: “Thank goodness you’re here Batman! And you too as well Boy Wonder! Everyone in the police station was asleep when I got here. Do you know what is going on?”
Batman: “Well, Commissioner, if you notice you’ll detect a vague floral scent in the air fading fast which is Hops flower (Humulus lupulus) and no doubt the cause of your somnambulatory staff. Someone has put a concentrated brew of Hops flower into the ventilation system and its remarkable sedative property is responsible. Here Robin take the Bat-Wake-Up Gas and spray it around. There’s no doubt that there is only one villain who would use peaceful herbs for such evil. It must be the work of the Herbalist! But what can he be up to?”
What indeed Caped Crusader. Meantime, over at the Herbalist’s secret hideout in an abandoned botanical garden, the nefarious nasty chortles over his latest scheme with his henchmen Osha (Ligusticum porteri) and Lobelia (Lobelia spp.)
Herbalist: “Those blundering buffoons will never figure out my scheme. I now have the complete security plans to the Women’s Herbal Conference and their exhibit of a new cultivar of False Unicorn Root (Chamaelirium luteum) which is easy to raise in a variety of environments while still having the same medicinal properties. And soon it will be mine.”
Osha: “But why boss? Whatja want to do that for?”
Herbalist: “Because you simpering simpleton. As long as it is rare I can charge whatever I want for the ones I steal from the wild! If anyone can grow it, it would be a cheap and plentiful reproductive tonic for all women. And we can’t have that!”
Lobelia: “Gee, that’s not very nice using plants that way.”
Herbalist: “Well, I am an evil Herbalist!”
Later at the Women’s Herbal Conference, the Herbalist begins his horrible heist only to be greeted by the Dynamic Duo! And after a quick fight the villain is subdued.
Robin: “If only he’d learn that plants are best used for the good of all and not for evil!”
Batman: “Well said old chum.”
Afterward, the women from the conference come to offer their thanks to Batman and he tries to ward them off.
But alas none of the women herbalists were actually villains and he had to run away.
As to why Batman runs so from women is a question best left for another day.
Join us next week. Same Bat-Time. Same Bat-Channel.
(Okay, I lied I did insert some useful information including Latin names and some medicinal properties! And next time a more serious post….)